A lot of the rules in this book are things that we should know but don't always remember to do! Here are the top five rules.
1. Be a Creature Unlike Any Other: Being a creature unlike any other is really an attitude, a sense of confidence and radiance that permeates your being from head to toe. It's the way you smile (you light up the room), pause in between sentences (you don't babble on out of nervousness), listen (attentively), look (demurely, never stare), breathe (slowly), stand (straight) and walk (briskly, with your shoulders back). When a relationship doesn't work out, you brush away a tear so that it doesn't smudge your makeup and you move on! 2. Show Up to Social Events Even If You Don't Feel Like:
Realize that you may not meet Mr. Right naturally and that you therefore must take social action immediately even if you don't want to.Get a manicure and go out on another date or to that singles dance -- do something to increase your chances of meeting men.
3. It's a Fantasy Relationship Unless a Man Asks You Out:
Don't waste time on a fantasy relationship. You may have a good rapport with your doctor, lawyer or accountant, and you may find yourself wondering if he is interested in you romantically. How can you know for sure? If he's never asked you out, then He's Just Not That Into You! 4. If He Does Not Call, He Is Not That Interested Period:
We know this is hard to accept, but it's not that he hasn't called because he's busy, or because you didn't smile or talk enough (or did too much). It's not that he lost your phone number. The bottom line is, if he hasn't called, he's not that interested. 5. Buyer Beware-- Observe His Behavior So You Do Not End Up With Mr. Wrong:
Love may be blind, but Rules girls are not stupid! How does he act in the relationship? Is he cheap on dates? Is he critical of you? Remember, The Rules are not about marrying the first man you are attracted to who calls you by Wednesday for Saturday night and buys you flowers. It's about marrying your own personal Mr. Right -- a man whom you love and whose character you admire and can live with.
I am going to do a post about the situation in Haiti and the reaction of a certain religious leader. I am a Christian, but I can see that sometimes issues of race will cross not your beliefs but the personal beliefs of the ones who are supposed to be leading you.
More on this later... I hope everyone is having a great day.
Another on of my favorite blogs is Agabond at http://abagond.wordpress.comI think it is always nice to hear compliments about yourself from other people. It is flattering and he isn't receiving anything, so I know he is telling the truth. In his own words from his blog...
What I like in black women, from the outside in:
First, black women are beautiful. They have the prettiest eyes and the best figures.
Some black women have eyes that seem to go all the way down to their souls. When I look into them time stands still. It is like I am in another world. I think it is called an adrenalin rush. Only a few times in my life have I experienced that with white or Asian women.
General looks: I like women with thick bodies, thick lips, thick, black hair and high cheekbones. Black women are far more likely to have all those things than other women. They also have the best bottoms ever.
Growing up people made fun of my lips, so women with big lips have a special place in my heart. Some people think they are ugly. To me they are beautiful.
When black women age their skin holds up way better. Also, it is almost never pale – pale skin turns me off.
When they get fat they do not lose their good looks as easily: I find myself looking at fat black women but not at fat women who are white or Asian.
I like how black women do not sugarcoat things. They are more honest with their thoughts and feelings. If anything they are too honest, which makes it hard, but I would much rather have that than a woman who pastes a false smile over everything.
Black women are far more accepting of me. I feel more like I can be myself.
Black women understand me way better, so much so that I do not always have to complete my sentences; so much so that they help me to understand myself better. White women just kind of look at me, leaving me hanging, like I was talking about butterflies from New Guinea.
Black women seem like they are deeper, less like airheads. I cannot stand airheaded women.
Black women are more likely to be religious, or at least it seems that way. I like that too.
Some say white women are easier to get along with. I have never gone with one so I cannot say. I did have an Asian American girlfriend once. She would say, “Whatever you want”. It got tiring.
Some say black women are too “ghetto”. I have known plenty of black women from ghettos. Very few fit the stereotype.
So the clip from ABC News has made the rounds. Everyone has weighed in and of course has an opinion. I even talked to a few Black men about it. The conversations I had and their thoughts I will post in a part three. Anyway, loving blogs as I do, I found a bunch of comments on www.theybf.com.
A blog that I had forgotten all about. I have to say that I am proud of most of the comments from the Black women in particular. I don't think that you should ever lower your standards. I do however, think that women need to make sure that their standards are relevant. I have a friend who almost refuses to date a man who is under 6'0. I don't agree with this.
We have gotten into some pretty serious arguments because of this. I don't necessarily think height is relevant, but I am 5'4 and she is 5'10, so there you go. We are both college educated but, I find it unlikely that I would marry a man who is not college educated, while this is not an issue for her. I think the main thing that is relevant for a woman to remember is that, don't stay with a man who shows no signs of wanting a commitment. And don't go having kids without the benefit of marriage. In my opinion these two things equal purgatory for Black women. Here are the comments I found on the YBF:
There’s nothing wrong with having high standards. These men really need to step THEIR game up. With the selection being so slim, they should want to be their very best anyway. But unfortunately, there have been so many women who are willing to settle for whatever, men are starting to think we’re all that way…
If black women find it to be such a scarcity of black men, and are out numbered here in the States, then they should DEFINATELY consider traveling to other countries (i.e. Carribean, Africa, Brazile, etc) to find black men. Surely there is enought to go around that way! There, we all win, and the black population continues to grow strong and not die off …as it was planned and systematically designed to …but some of yall won’t even get that last part I said …
If the women that are settling for whatever would raise their standards, the men would as well… With that being said, a lot of the women with low standards have ruined it for themselves and the other women out there, and there are going to be a lot of single, lonely Black women unless they start branching out to other races… Also, from watching that Tough Love show, some women have completely unrealistic standards, making lists of the perfect man and what not… Even in the video the woman was like she wants a man that’s 6′5″… Come on now, having those type of qualifications will leave you an old maid with a thousand cats no matter how “successful” you think you are…
I think there are a lot of available Black men out there, and Steve is right….a lot of them are overlooked. The same goes for Black women. I have lowered some of my standards as I’ve grown, but most of those were materialistic things. I’ve changed since then, so my standards aren’t lowered….just a bit relaxed.The video is a good one. Someone just emailed it to me just 30 min ago. The numbers are discouraging, but I’m not giving up hope!!
I can’t lower my standards. I would rather stick it by myself (no pun intended) then to degrade the values that I think my partner should uphold. Marriage is not a priority of mine but companionship is. Why should I denounce my standards for the opposite sex just to fill a mold and most likely end up unhappy in the long run….no thanks. Like I said to the gentleman that I am dating right now, you will never find what you want in a mate but you will find what you need.
I see nothing wrong with having standards. I personally had to find a man who met every criteria on my list, INCLUDING him being black and tall. But honestly after watching the movie, Something New, the one thing i changed was his race. Now I am married to a tall successful white man who treats me right, we have fun, we have great chemistry and he is someone who I can grow old with and the sex…wooowhee. Interestingly enough, he was there the entire time. All those years of me making mistake after mistake with Mr. Wrong. The pickings are slim in the black man Market so I hopped on over the fence and I think it was the greatest decision that i have made.
We have to stop believing these contrived interviews from a small segment of our population. WE ARE NOT A MONOLITH. They (the powers that be) want to stick Blacks with all sorts of pathologies. This video above exemplifies another example of pinning Black People with a pathology: Black Women are unable to marry because our men are sub standard and/or we are too picky. Recognize PLEASE that we as a race are always pegged as sick, lacking, poor, uneducated, AIDS and other STD ridden, and now, unable to marry. Don’t fall for the consistent message, subliminal and otherwise, that Blacks are lacking in all ways. It can lead to self hate. Fight this message and all others that say WE CANT because it is not true.
I feel where these ladies are coming from forrreaaall. and they all look good. if u work ur butt off to get educated and be the best woman u can be its only fitting that she find a man that has done the same. i know that after i graduate med school my pickings will be slim and i refuse to settle…thats how i feel now at 22. at 30 i might have to compromise a bit but i feel like ive worked sooooo hard to get to where i am AND I DAMN SURE AINT GONNA LET NO SCRUB ASS PLAYA WITH A GANG OF BABY MOMMAS GET WIT ME. AND IF I HAVE TO SPEND MY LIFE BY MYSELF SO BE IT.
please stop the madness for 2010, this is maybe the tenth article of black women not being married. Black people focus on your relationships and stop believing the white man lies .
Oh cooome ON. Seriously. Please stop with the “Black women have TOO high of standards to find a man” mumbo jumbo. A woman wanting an educated, financially stable, considerate, god-fearing man is NOT too much to ask for. It just IS, when it is coming from a black woman….because, oh…the pool is too small since black men do not nearly qualify in the categories previously mentioned as say….other races. Should WE have to settle for whatever and whomever just because our selection is too small?? Hecks no! We worked hard to better ourselves, why the fruitsnacks shouldn’t YOU? I know for dern sure I’m not gonnna settle for just any Tom, Dick or Harry because the selection is small and a biological clock is a tickin’. Forget that, I’ll find me a Pablo or Escobar…a black man does NOT make a black woman whole.
Saw this somewhere else. I think we need to expand our dating pool to include non-black men. I know it’s easy said that done for a lot of reasons. But, agree with Tasha, don’t lower standards…esp. the standard of how you expect to be treated!!
Anyway, I side-eye Steve Harvey’s solution of dating older men. How appropriate for him? I’m not dating any dirty old man whose ass should be married and putting kids through college..ewwww
I understand what the ladies in the video are saying, Im a 28 year old black women and I find that it is hard to met a good black man at least a good black man that wants to settle down, it’s dame near impossible. I think black women need to consider going out side thier race dont limit youself to just black men, if you do you will find yourself very single. I have became more open to dating outside of my race and ladies its one of the best moves I ever made.
I have to say that there are no guarantees in life. Even if there were more black men available, that wouldn’t necessarily mean that, you would find the “one”. I don’t believe that any woman should limit themselves in terms of the race that they date. Black men, unfortunately, are in VERY HIGH DEMAND. I know white, Latino and Asian women that ONLY date black men, so it’s no surprise that there are black women that feel the same way.
I have a VERY wonderful (bi-racial) man in my life now after ending a HORRIBLE marriage. I believe that he’s perfect for me. But, I had nothing to do with finding him. He came to me – so I can’t take any credit. I’m just very, very grateful.
I don’t think that women should ever lower her standards. But, they should examine them. One poster mentioned “relaxing” her standards concerning material things – which is a great idea. You can build a great financial life with the right partner.
Money does not make a good man!!! But a kind, affectionate, honest, loyal, hard-working, protective, compassionate, considerate, loving, self-assured, self-aware, ambitious and responsible man is a good man.
To my single sisters, don’t gif up. Keep your (non-materialistic) standards HIGH and don’t settle. I hope that you all find the love that you deserve in 2010.
**SIGH*** I see a lot of married couples around me and I see problems but I also see SOLUTIONS. Which is what leads me to believe that we are marriage material and these numbers are straight BULLCRAP! Please with this mess already. White, Asian, Indian, and other ethnic women have the SAME IF NOT HIGHER EXPECTATIONS of their men but is it the topic of a damn discussion?! NO.
Black Women, we are just as good and we will be blessed with Just as good as long as we stop settling for the role of the baby mama, sidepiece or just being desperate. If you allow a man to walk all over you and have him essentially “Not buy the cow because the MILK IS FREE” then we wouldn’t be laden with this issue. Too many people look as marriage as a joke, something like a piece of paper but its so much more than that. So many times have I viewed other posts and so many women say “Marriage isn’t that serious, its just a piece of paper.If we are living fine unmarried then its just as good”. YEAH SO THAT IS WHERE THE PROBLEM IS FOLKS! So many women as well as men have been brainwashed to think that Marriage is nothing but a death sentence. Yeah you have your failed ones but lets be real, did you really pray to God about your partner before you got hitched to him? I’m not gonna push anything on anyone but I am single and not because I can’t find anyone but because I am letting God lead me to the right ONE! No bums, losers, or wannabes. No thank you.
Also, Black Men need to step up and teach their sons the true value of a woman and stop allowing our women to do it their damn selves. That’s why marriage is the forbidden word in so many of their vocabularies
. They have never seen it, or if they have its been dripped with so much disdain that they want no part of it.
At Alienated Conclusion @ www.nerdsevolving.blogspot.com is an article calledWhat If Black Women Were White Women? I read this and it really got me to thinking. I really love this article. I posted it on my facebook page, because I knew I would be posting it here, and it really didn't get the response I hoped it would. From Black women and men alike. But below is the article. I want to know opinions.
In “If Men Could Menstruate,” Gloria Steinem makes the persuasive argument that “Whatever a ‘superior’ group has will be used to justify its superiority, and whatever an ‘inferior’ group has will be used to justify its plight.” For too long the definition of racism has been a fight between white and black manhood or “who’s the bigger man”, so to speak. We've trivialized the existence of gender between both groups of men in favor for discussion of the "bigger issue".
This has historically enabled white female supremacy—the most unchallenged form of white supremacy—to escape any critical thought. What if suddenly, instantly, the power of white femininity were transferred to black women? The answer is clear: Black women would represent value, purity; and based on their natural traits would be worthy of protection and instantly become the objects of universal desire.
White women would represent the opposite. “Beauty tar potion” would become globally popular to get the “black look.” “Dove” would be replaced with a black soap called “Raven” to help exfoliate the skin and bring out subtle hints of melanin. White female features would be declared violent. Their “jagged” thin lips, “knife sharp” noses, and “harsh” jaw lines would be nature's way of expressing why men have a natural preference for the soft features of black women. Soft lips, soft cheekbones, and soft, round noses would be proof of natural femininity. Full, pink lips and large, dark eyes would become associated with virginal black girls whose purity must not be compromised.
Black female features would thus be said to represent youth. Straight, blond hair would be considered “wild and unruly” because when the wind blew, it did not stay in place. Women with naturally straight hair would hide their “unruly” and “wild” stick-straight hair in public. The desire for “lightweight hair” that defied gravity would permanently end the use of blow dryers. Keeping one's natural blond hair wild and straight would become indicative of a political statement. The anti-aging properties of black female skin combined with soft, curvy bodies would be proof of the overall reproductive health of black women.
Scientists would argue that black women were naturally preferred as long term mates and mothers because they were “healthier.” Men’s attraction to women is based on overall health and fertility, after all. Suddenly, biracial women would be “in” because the hard features of white women wouldn't prevent the fragile genes of “black beauty” from peeking through. Men would suddenly have the desire to date “ethnic,” non-black women since they would look “closer to black” than blond women—at least they wouldn't look like white women.
Statistics would equate the fact that white women make up the majority with their “overpowering” and “strong” population. This would be proof that they could handle unsafe neighborhoods. The “strong culture” they would have created amongst themselves would enable them to withstand their lack of protection from predators and criminals. Statisticians would argue that men were attracted to black women innately because they made up a small percentage of the population. “We tend to value what is rare,” they might say.
Men would proclaim that white women deserve sexual objectification because “flat buttocks” allow for deeper penetration. In ghettos across America, men would stand on street corners and yell “Damn! You got a flat ass!” to remind white women of their sexual status in society. Upper class women would be afraid that their “asses looked flat” since it would represent animalistic and sexual deviance, like white women.
Black women’s buttocks, said to protrude farther from the body, would prove that their natural vulnerability made them “less equipped” to handle hardcore sex and rape like white women could. “I need a strong white woman!” would become a popular “empowering” slogan for exploitative men who rationalized the emotional, financial, and sexual overburdening of white women.
Overweight white nannies would become the “acceptable white women” in popular culture as they do not pose a threat to black female superiority and privilege. Conventionally attractive white women would serve as a sexual threat to black women for single-handedly breaking down the beauty hierarchy. Hip hop videos would feature men throwing money at “white bitches” bent over in front of the camera to showcase their white asses, eager for deep penetration.
Entire songs would be devoted to hatred of “white gold digging bitches” who believed that they were entitled to the financial security in marriage to which black women were entitled. “Penetrable white asses” and “pale-faced hoes” would become the cash commodity for selling entire musical genres. White women’s “hard” bodies would be deemed more “capable” of fighting off sexual attackers, while the soft curves of black female bodies would become worthy of police protection.
White women, despite being at high risk of being victimized by violence and sexual crimes, would not “need” police protection. Movies would feature black women as the main objects of men’s desire across racial lines while stereotypes of evil, bitter, and oversexed white women would further prove why men of all races simply did not prefer blonds. “We can’t help those to whom we're attracted,” men would say.
“Preference” would become an unconcealed acceptance of discrimination against white women. White women’s anger towards and sadness about the status quo would show their unreasonable jealousy of the innate superiority of black women. Republicans would ban abortions to protect the virtue of pure, black motherhood and liberals would advocate increasing the number of abortion clinics in “low income” neighborhoods where white women would be the majority.
Liberals would claim that white women had “culturally” approved of sexual objectification and were “safe enough” without outside help since they were warned not to touch “in-group issues” with a ten foot pole. And so on and so forth. The most important reality is that black feminists would eventually grow tired of being seen as innocent and vulnerable in patriarchy and would fight to erase the commodity of black femininity. “The innocent, submissive, and vulnerable representation of women is what puts us in danger. The rigid category of femininity has contributed to our oppression,” they might argue. In the back of every black feminist movement we would hear the quiet and dignified pleas of radical white feminists. “But, we do not represent femininity."
We are considered strong, incapable of feeling pain, and sexually deviant—but all this has done is increase our likelihood of being in danger. And aren’t we women too?” As Gloria Steinem wrote, “In short, the characteristics of the powerful, whatever they may be, are thought to be better than the characteristics of the powerless - and logic has nothing to do with it.” What remains universally evident is that the many justifications for power and privilege are always inherent, always scientific, and always permeate society to the point that they remain deeply buried within our collective consciousness. Until someone challenges them.
I didn't find the segment offensive and just waaayyy off base like I thought I would, but I can't help but think, Black women, please do not believe the hype. There are Black plenty of Black women who are married and happily so. I have seen them, I know them, and you do too.
However, I also know a number of Black women who are unmarried and haven't dated in quite some time. I refuse to believe it is because men that aren't Black don't find Black women attractive. I am a Black woman and men from all ethnicities and backgrounds hit on me all the time. So I personally know that this is not true. There are a few factors that I do believe add to the causing of Black women to remain single. In no specific order...
1. Not knowing how to properly "vet" a man: Before a woman commits herself to a man she has to know certain things about him.
What is important in his life? Does he want to get married? Does he
want kids? Does he have kids? If so how often does he see them? If he
seems vague about becoming serious then you know that he is not the
one for you. You should not be intense, about you’re questioning. Just let
him talk. Listen to what he says. Dating is really a job interview, it is not
really about romance and you should not make it about such. But most
women are looking for "the one." And they are eager and willing to put
someone in the role who doesn't belong there. Then they have spent all this
time dating a man who never had the intentions of giving them what they
wanted in the first place. If you meet a man, "vet" him, if he doesn't add up,
let him go. There are too many men, to get caught up on one.
2. Not dealing with negative experiences and the negative emotions that they have caused.
Trust me when I say that I have been through hell when it comes to the men
I have been with. But I have been through more hell dealing with family
members and family drama. These experiences have left their marks in my
life, but I work at healing the scares, dealing with the emotions they have
caused, learning from them and moving on.
I honestly believe that too many Black women don't deal with the negative
things that went on in their own households, things that happen when they
were children, teenagers, or even young adults. I don't know the Black
community to be big on soul searching when it comes to things that could
possibly make family members or even community members look bad. But
we all know that protecting someone who has hurt you does nothing for
healing and inner development.
If you do not deal with the negative things that went on in your household you
are bound to repeat them. Because you will attract people who have the same
wounds and emotionally problems that you have.
3. Sticking with a man who is not right for them for far too long.
I know someone who was in an abusive relationship for thirteen years. The
whole time she was with a man who was beating her behind, there was
more than one man who was interested in her. These men had good jobs,
were kind and knew how to treat a woman. While the man she was with,
was selling drugs to make a living, part of the time, and had her supporting
him the rest of the time. Yet, she was hesitant to leave him. I have also seen
women who were mildly unhappy in their relationships.
While one is extreme and one is minor they both point to women who are too insecure to leave something that is no longer working for them. I think that having a man can
be a huge deal in the Black community. It's like, you can have everything in
the world, but if you don't have a man you are nothing. It makes women
hesitant to leave someone who is not right for them for fear that they will not
find someone else. THIS IS NOT TRUE!!! If you turned your head to the
right, you would probably see five single men.
4. Having children out of wedlock.
This is a sensitive topic. But if you have a bunch of kids it will become more
difficult to meet a man eager to marry you. It's just the truth. Sorry, that is
just the way it is. Not impossible, but it becomes harder. And don't think that
if you have kids with a man that that will keep him there. It is actually the
opposite. If you have kids with him, many men feel like they got you, and
that you aren't going anywhere, so guess what? Then they REALLY don't
feel like they have to lock you down with the ole ball and chain.
5. Not expecting to meet a "good" man.
I have never been attracted to the bad boys. I have always liked the nerd, I
knew that over time they would make more money. But many women are.
Okay, women can have their phase, but eventually they have to learn from
their mistakes and make better choices. But I have honestly seen, women
chose the same type of man over and over again, the bad ones, and then SWEAR
that all men are like that. I've seen women never realize that it's the choices
they make as much as it is the men they find. In the end it all goes back to
Vetting and to attracting the wounds that are in your life. How can you attract
something that you don't expect to find?
6. Having a stank-ass attitude.
Another sensitive topic, LOL, now I know that most Black women are not
"ghetto," attitude bound, neck rolling Sapphires. But, I have seen a large
number of them who just look unpleasant. At my church, there were plenty of
beautiful Black women who just looked mean. They were not inviting at all. I understand this. Sometimes as Black women, we get used to having to be tough. Or give off that aura of being the strong Black woman. There is nothing wrong with being a strong woman.
As Black women we really do have to be strong. But you have to look friendly and inviting. If you want a man to approach you, then look approachable! Smile and look happy, if you are not happy, then maybe you should not be pursuing a relationship. Maybe you should be working on finding and maintaining your own happiness on your own. Without a man, that is what I am working on. Being with God. I know that a man will come later. I know cause I meet them everyday, and become tempted!
I didn't have the internet in my home for six months. But it helped me to get past my internet addiction...kind of. I'm back with a semi-new perspective, due to my new Christian status, and am eager to share my opinions and experiences.
I am new to blogging so bare with me. I am also very excited about 2010, and the new adventures and experiences that it brings. I still want to fill dark-skinned Black women with pride and remind them that they are beautiful. This is the point of this blog.
Of course, I expect to get off course when something outrages me and I just have to write about it. Oh and I saw The Princess and the Frog and I was not pleased! The thing that I think bothered me most was that many Black people were unfazed like "at least they gave us something." I hate to be nerdy but, that is stinkin thinkin. I want the best and I want equal treatment and I will not accept the scraps that are given to me with a happy face. Disney is making millions off of this film... I will save the rest for a post. The point is that I'm back and ready to share and have people share with me.
I don't have a lot of time but I do have a lot of opinions. I love blogs, and the opinions of others, So... I want to talk about things that interest me and hope that they interest others.
